7 Behaviors Someone That Was Unloved As A Child Displays In Their Adult Lives
Early childhood is a period of rapid change in the human brain. The brain builds complex network connections at a very fast rate during early or middle childhood.
A process called myelination, which’s the brain neuron formation, is eighty percent complete by age 4.
The brain plays a role in literally everything we do, think, or say. In case a kid is not properly nurtured, it affects their brain development, preventing their emotional networks from being developed.
The connection between the childhood brain’s personality characteristics and developmental traits is both universal and indisputable.
A psychologist, Peg Streep, discusses the link between adult and early childhood life. Namely, Streep notes that although everybody’s childhood experience is different, there’re reliable and broad statements that may be made about the impact of these experiences. Childhood experiences can shape a person’s behavior and personality.
Here Are the Signs and Behaviors Someone That Was Neglected and Unloved During Childhood Displays:
Everyone has probably heard the phrase “Do not take this personally.” In fact, it’s solid advice. Those who deal with their own problems usually project them onto other people.
But, for somebody who had the misfortune of growing up in an unloving environment, to not take things personally does go against the grain of their psyche.
If the child is misfortunate enough to grow up in a loving home, it’s pretty natural to take things personally later in life. People who deal with problems and issues with themselves often project their issues onto others and can’t understand that people are sharing their opinions and thoughts about a certain thing and it doesn’t mean that they want to hurt them. The person also fears of rejection because as a child, the child felt unloved and insignificant in their parent’s lives and in the family.
3. Fear of Failure
Unfortunately, kids that grow up in a neglectful environment may not develop a sense of self-worth. However, a loving and stimulating environment can instill fortitude and confidence.
A kid that’s unloved may feel an absence of self-esteem that usually manifests as an unjustifiable sense of failure.
4. Poor Emotional Intelligence
A child learns what she’s feeling through dyadic interaction; a mother’s gestures and words teach the baby to self-soothe when she’s stressed or uncomfortable. Later, the mother will play a key role in helping her daughter articulate her feelings, name them, and learn to manage her fears and negative emotions.
The insecurely attached daughter doesn’t learn to regulate her emotions; she’s either engulfed by them or walled off from them. Both insecure styles of attachments get in the way of naming emotions and using them to inform thought—key aspects of emotional intelligence.
5. Trust Issues
It’s essential that the people that are surrounding the child are stable and show and live loyalty and trust. In the mind of the baby, everything programs itself what it sees and feels, the mind remembers through pictures and symbols. Without a stabilized surrounding, the child will have difficulties with trusting other, and more importantly, trusting itself.
6. Anxiety and Depression
Unloved kids usually develop mental health problems.
Anxiety and depression that stem from having experienced neglect or the inevitable complications that surface when the kid ages are common mental health problems.
7. Toxic Relationships
We all seek out the familiar (see the shared root with the word family?) which is just dandy if you have a secure base, and definitely less than optimal if you’re an unloved daughter. The chances are good that, initially at least, you’ll be attracted to those who treat you as your mother did—a familiar comfort zone that offers no comfort. Until you begin to recognize the ways in which you were wounded in childhood, the chances are good that you’ll continue to recreate the emotional atmosphere you grew up with in your adult relationships.
Source: consciousreminder.com, mindwaft.com
If You Are A Daughter Of An Unloving Mother, Mourn The Mother You Deserved
Recovering from a childhood without love and support is not easy. One way to recover is to mourn the mother you needed and deserved but never had. It is very important to understand that everyone deserves a good mother and love.
Sadly, some people think that they did not deserve that kind of love, they believe they are worthless and unlovable. A period of mourning the mother you deserved to have is very important.
Some may say that the woman who did not give you love and support deserves your love, and when she is close to death, you should go and have that famous “closure.” But, at that moment, you ask why didn’t she love you.
When your mother passes away, you mourn not over her, but over the mother, you wanted and needed to have.
Mourning is Hard
When you finally realize what kind of a woman she is, you realize that she will never be the mom you deserve to have. If you decide to stand on your own feet, she may become even worse, and you may lose contact.
Grieving a mother is hindered by feeling unworthy, unloved, and the core conflict. The conflict is between relationship a daughter had with her mom and her need for maternal support and love in adulthood.
This internal battle may continue for a very long time, and may even cause pain and the daughter may keep finding excuses of the behavior of her mother while she is waiting to gain her love and affection.
Some daughters feel afraid to cut off their mothers because they may feel more pain if the mother passes away. They believe that maybe their mothers may change.
The Stages of Loss
D. Kessler and E. Kübler-Ross are authors of the book “On Grief and Grieving.” In this book, they explain the five stages of loss. However, it does not mean that everyone would experience the same stages. So, what happens after a loss?
“I couldn’t believe that a mother would choose to do this to her own child. How could she not love me?”
After a great loss, denial helps us pace the absorption of reality. This is the reason why a daughter may need a lot of time to accept that her mother will never change.
“I was angry for a very long time. Angry for her attitude, what we could have had. But most of all angry at her for her choice that she would rather feel RIGHT than have a relationship with me. She would choose to give it up for the sake of her screwed-up narcissistic self. This is what pissed me off the most.”
Anger is the second stage. After a death of a beloved, we tend to be angry at people, supernatural forces, the healthcare system, and so on. So, daughters in grief may be angry at their mothers even at family members.
Why family members? They may be angry at them because they did not protect them and did not see the toxic treatment earlier.
“I don’t think I had this stage. There were ‘if only’ feelings, but you can’t bargain with a person like her. It just won’t work.”
During this stage, a person feels that if they had done something, the situation would not be as it is. Daughters tend to change their behavior and please their mothers in order to change them.
And, while daughters are in grief, they may stop bargaining because they begin accepting that they cannot make their mothers love them.
“This stage has lasted decades. When the person is still alive, I think you always have this deep-down hope of reconciliation. Maybe she’ll come around. Maybe on her deathbed, she will have an epiphany of some kind and realize what she’s done. A last moment of clarity and confession. Don’t hold your breath. It’s been hard on me to see my friends and their moms who have great relationships. You think, ‘Why didn’t I get that? I deserve that too, dammit!’”
It is normal to feel extreme sadness after a loss. And, the authors of the book say that depression is a way to keep us safe from shutting down the nervous system.
Also, it is normal to feel sad and sometimes depressed if you have had an unloving mother. The feeling of “the only one in the world who wasn’t loved” is a feeling of isolation. This is a result of the well-known myth “every mother is loving.”
“I don’t know whether I will ever have this stage fully until she’s gone. One of the ways I have dealt with it is to be the very best mom I can be to my own children. They know all the family history. They get it and understand why I did what I did.”
This is the final stage which does not mean that everything is okay. It is about accepting that you have lost someone and learning to live with it. During this stage, we learn how to get back our lives.
The mourner begins forming new relationships and connections. So, that is why it is important for daughters to mourn the mothers they deserved.
To mourn the mother you deserved means to grieve that you did not have the mother that loved you, supported you, was proud of you for all your success, and everything that loving mothers do.