6 Honest Reasons Why People Cheat As Confessed By A Woman Who Did – A Lot
It's a fact of life: Cheating happens. But why do people cheat?
Why do people cheat? It’s one of the all-time classic questions about being in relationships, and perhaps one of the most relentlessly confounding as well. Because in our society, marriage is the ultimate signature of becoming a grown-up, and being a cheating husband or wife (or even a cheating boyfriend or girlfriend, to be honest) flies in the face of all we hold most dear.
I’ve cheated on boyfriends. Three of them. One of them knew I was having “an affair”, and two of them never found out.
When I talk about my cheating phase with friends, I make it sound like I’ve learned my lesson and that I’ll never do it again, and for the most part, I have. But I also know that I’m easily tempted.
This is something I should probably discuss with a therapist, as well as a significant other when that situation presents itself, but for right now, I can honestly say that I cannot promise I won’t cheat again.
I also can’t honestly tell you whether your own significant other will cheat or what their reasons were for cheating on you in the past.
What I can tell you, however, is what went through my own head when I cheated … and why I kept doing it.
Here are 6 honest answers to the question, “Why do people cheat?” — based on my first-hand knowledge as a woman with plenty of experience having affairs.
1. It can be an easy way to end a relationship.
No one feels good about cheating, but fooling around on the side can be an easier way to end a relationship than dealing with the mess of a breakup, especially when there’s no “good” reason for the breakup to occur. It might make you the villain, but it gets you out of a relationship in a hurry.
I’ve pulled the trigger on a dating situation this way before. We’d been dating for six months and I knew it wasn’t working, so I started dating other guys while we were still supposed to be exclusive. I ended the relationship by letting him know I met someone else.
The cheating happened because, in my mind, the relationship had already ended.
2. Temptation is hard to resist.
You don’t stop noticing attractive people simply because you’ve gotten serious with someone.
I don’t cheat all the time, but I’m tempted to a greater degree than most of my girlfriends. Maybe it’s a sign of a higher libido, or maybe it’s a sign of me being terrified of commitment. Whatever it is, I can’t help being attracted to men I’m not dating.
Relationship experts would likely say it’s important to talk this out with your significant other and to try methods like role play to you can inject adrenaline into a boring bedroom routine, but that all requires insight and forethought — which are usually lacking in a cheating situation.
3. Sometimes, it really is just about the s.e.x.
The best s.e.x of my life was with a casual thing with a man who moved to London a few years ago.
In a way, I feel like he’s someone who was “grandfathered” into my life. I know we’ll never have a relationship because of the distance, and I’m pretty sure he’s cheated on a girlfriend to be with me, so even though I know it’s not rational, I feel like being with him doesn’t count.
Besides, I barely like him as a person. And since I have no feelings for him besides the physical attraction, being with him doesn’t feel like a betrayal in the same way it might if I truly had an emotional attachment to him as well.
4. There’s a difference between lust and love.
I’ve never had an “emotional affair,” and even though most people wouldn’t agree, I don’t think sex by itself is a big deal.
I know some couples have deals where they’re allowed to be with other people if they’re on business trips or a certain distance away from their home, and I honestly could see how that type of arrangement works.
But since most people do think it’s is a pretty big deal, I tend to keep this thought on the DL from significant others … and then end up cheating like I did in the scenarios described previously.
5. It really can “just happen.”
The first time I cheated, I had an affair with a guy I met on a business trip … who was married.
We were drinking at the hotel bar, we started flirting, and I gave him a hard time when I saw his wedding ring. Then I told him I had a boyfriend. Because we were both cheating, it almost felt acceptable.
We were never going to see each other again, we used protection, and we were both lonely and hundreds of miles from home.
6. People change.
I know I said I might cheat again — and that’s true, but I also firmly believe my cheating was a defense mechanism I used because no one I was with was really the right person for me.
Before, I wanted the security of being part of a couple while still having single girl fun, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized I do want to be in a serious relationship. As my friends have gotten married, I’ve started to rethink my stance on relationships, and I want to work harder on my commitment issues.
That said, I would tell a future boyfriend about my past. I know it’s a tall order to ask for trust after revealing everything, but putting it out there can be a major sign that a man or woman wants this time to be different.
So, if you find out the person you’re seeing is like me, give them a chance … or, you know, a free pass.
See more: Here Are 11 Weird Signs That You Are Highly Intelligent. I Love #10!
In the real world, spotting intelligent people isn’t quite as simple as looking for people who babble gibberish like Benedict Cumberbatch in Sherlock. But scientific studies have shown that there are a few traits which are linked to high intelligence – and some of these are rather surprising.
1. You took music lessons
Research suggests that music helps kids’ minds develop in a few ways:
- A 2011 study found that scores on a test of verbal intelligence among 4- to 6-year-olds rose after only a month of music lessons.
- A 2004 study led by Glenn Schellenberg found that 6-year-olds who took nine months of keyboard or voice lessons had an IQ boost compared with kids who took drama lessons or no classes at all.
Meanwhile, a 2013 study, also led by Schellenberg, suggested that high-achieving kids were the ones most likely to take music lessons. In other words, in the real world, musical training may only enhance cognitive differences that already exist.
2. You’re thin
For a 2006 study, scientists gave roughly 2,200 adults intelligence tests over a five-year period and results suggested that the bigger the waistline, the lower the cognitive ability.
Another studypublished that same year found that 11-year-olds who scored lower on verbal and nonverbal tests were more likely to be obese in their 40s. The study authors say that smarter kids might have pursued better educational opportunities, landed higher-status and higher-paying jobs, and therefore ended up in a better position to take care of their health than their less intelligent peers.
Meanwhile, a more recent study found that, among preschoolers, a lower IQ was linked to a higher BMI. Those researchers also say environmental factors are at play, since the relationship between BMI and smarts was mediated by socioeconomic status.
3. You have a cat
A 2014 study of 600 college students found that individuals who identified as “dog people” were more outgoing than those who identified as “cat people,” according to a test that measures personality and intelligence.
But guess what? Those same cat people scored higher on the part of the test that measures cognitive ability.
4. You learn from your mistakes
Intelligent people recognise that they have made mistakes – and learn from them quickly.
A study by Michigan University researchers found that people who believe they can learn from mistakes – rather than believing that intelligence is ‘fixed’ – will actually take the opportunity to learn, while others miss it.
5. You can argue intelligently
People who can argue points without offending other people – and without ‘digging in’ and ignoring other viewpoints – tend to be more intelligent.
Dr Travis Bradberry, author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, says, ‘ When you approach a disagreement with emotional intelligence it has the opposite effect—it strengthens the relationship by showing the other person that you respect him or her, even when you don’t agree with his or her opinion.’
A neurological study conducted by Jason S. Moser of Michigan State University has shown that the brains of smart people actually react differently to mistakes.
6. You don’t think you’re intelligent
People who are above average intelligence don’t tend to think they are clever – but stupid people do, a phenomenon known as ‘the Dunning-Kruger effect’
Dunning and Kruger wrote, ‘Across four studies, the authors found that participants scoring in the bottom quartile on tests of humor, grammar, and logic grossly overestimated their test performance and ability. Although test scores put them in the 12th percentile, they estimated themselves to be in the 62nd.’
7. You’re messy
A study published in “Psychological Science”by the University of Minnesota Carlson School of Management’s Dr. Kathleen Vohs revealed that working in an untidy room actually fuels creativity.
In the study, 48 participants were asked to come up with unusual uses for a pingpong ball. The 24 individuals working in neat rooms came up with substantially less creative responses than the individuals working in cluttered rooms.
So if you are a pack rat, tell everyone you’re just fueling your sense of creativity and innovation the next time someone tells you to clean up your act.
8. You enjoy being alone
Researchers from the LSE and Singapore Management University analysed data from a large survey involving 15,000 people aged 18 to 28 – who also underwent IQ tests.
They found that, for both low-IQ and high-IQ individuals, living in highly populated areas was linked to unhappiness. But for highly intelligent people, even socialising with friends was linked to unhappiness.
The researchers write, ‘More intelligent individuals experience lower life satisfaction with more frequent socialization with friends.’ ‘The effect of population density on life satisfaction was therefore more than twice as large for low-IQ individuals than for high-IQ individuals.’
9. You worry a lot
A growing body of research suggests that anxious individuals may be smarter than others in certain ways, according to Slate’s coverage of several different studies on anxiety.
In one study, for example, researchers asked 126 undergrads to fill out questionnaires in which they indicated how often they experienced worry. They also indicated how often they engaged in rumination, or thinking continuously about the aspects of situations that upset them, as psychologist Dr. Edward Selby reported in Psychology Today.
Results showed that people who tended to worry and ruminate a lot scored higher on measures of verbal intelligence, while people who didn’t do much worrying or ruminating scored higher on tests of nonverbal intelligence.
10. You’re physically lazy
Many of us tend to look down on slobs who sit watching Netflix all night and never drag themselves to the gym.
But physical laziness might actually be a sign that someone is a deep thinker, a new study has suggested.
Researchers from Florida Gulf Coast University rated 60 volunteers using a ‘Need for Cognition’ test – dividing them into ‘thinkers’ and ‘non-thinkers’.
They then monitored their physical activity for a week – and found that the ‘non-thinkers’ tended to be much more active than the thinkers.
The researchers write, ‘High-NFC individuals seem more content to “entertain themselves” mentally, whereas low-NFC individuals quickly experience boredom and experience it more negatively.
‘The relationship between cognition and physical activity is an important question for the human experience, and the interaction likely extends across the lifespan.’
11. You’re the first child in your family
First born children are usually the cleverest, with measurable differences in IQ as early as age one – and it’s thanks to their parents.
Researchers at Edinburgh University found that all children received similar levels of emotional support from their parents – but first borns had more support with tasks which developed their thinking skills.
Researchers say the findings could help to explain the so-called birth order effect when children born earlier in a family enjoy better wages and more education in later life.
Researchers observed 5,000 children from birth to age 14, testing them every two years with assessments including reading recognition.
Sources: https://www.independent.co.uk, https://metro.co.uk