Why Men Suddenly End Relationships When Women Start Falling In Love
It was all going so well ... wasn't it?
The first two to three months of dating a new man or woman make for one of the most exhilarating stages of falling in love, commonly known as “the honeymoon phase.”
We’ve all felt it, the rush of dopamine and endorphins is intoxicating. You feel pretty sure this is one of those relationships that will last forever, until … he decides that no, it will not. And just like that, another breakup.
This common cycle leaves many women wondering what men are thinking when these situations happen. How could your knight in shining armor have gotten rusty so fast?
With that in mind, here are three reasons why men suddenly end relationships when you’ve been dating a few months and finally feel yourself falling in love.
1. He has unrealistic expectations.
Some men are incapable of falling in love. They may be head-over-heels and totally infatuated with you for 90 days, however, once reality sets in and the dopamine wears off, these men are left wondering to themselves why they don’t feel like they’re falling in love with you anymore.
I refer to these men as 90-day wonders, because they’ll date a woman for 90 days … and then wonder what caused them to no longer feel intensely infatuated anymore.
Rather than figuring out what’s really going on within themselves, these guys simply break things off and start all over again with someone else.
This type of behavior is called immaturity, and it’s part of what’s known as Peter Pan Syndrome, a term applied to men who never grow up, preferring to constantly chase the illusion of infatuation and finding that one “perfect” love, leaving a long line of broken hearts in their wake.
Peter Pans are often the most charming men around, and a good indication you’ve found one is when he neither makes nor discusses plans for the future.
2. He’s fallen victim to “the Fisher King wound.”
In the Arthurian legend of the Fisher King, an innocent young knight named Perceval (or Parsifal), “arrives at the castle of the Fisher King [said to be the last in the line of keepers of the Holy Grail], who suffers from a mysterious ailment or wound. A strange procession appears, in which a girl carries in the Grail, accompanied by a boy with a mysterious spear which magically bleeds from the tip …
Perceval knows nothing about the meaning of all this, [but] if he asks the simple question ‘Whom does the Grail serve?’ … the Fisher King will be cured.”
The myth is complicated and far more detailed, but it is ultimately a metaphor for”the development all adolescent boys must face if they are to overcome their own wounds and mature to real manhood … This myth tells us that an important prerequisite of becoming a whole man is his capacity to honor and respect his inner life. This capacity equates for a man to: knowing what he’s feeling: being able to articulate his feelings: relating to his body as a source of information and wisdom, not just as a machine to perform, conquer, or impress: not blaming the people close to him for not meeting his needs when he doesn’t even recognize them himself; [and discovering] that his generative ability is ultimately about his creativity within, which allows him to bring his potency to making a difference in the world for others.”
If you’re dating a man who did not learn this lesson during childhood, the burden will fall on you.
This is why somewhere around two to three months into a relationship, men often find themselves faced with a dilemma. A realistic man knows that in order to receive love he must be willing to take on the responsibilities involved in giving to, protecting. and cherishing women, children, animals and the planet.
Otherwise, he remains trapped by his craving for that honeymoon phase of love, fueling his urgent need to start all over again with someone new.
3. He recognizes your underlying incompatibility as a couple.
To be fair, not every man should labeled a Peter Pan or a Fisher King just because he starts a relationship that doesn’t make it past three months.
Sometimes, there are real issues of incompatibility at play.
For example, say it turns out that one of you wants to have children and the other plainly does not. Or one of you wants to live in Paris and the other wants to live in New York, and both of you are committed to your diverging opinions on the matter.
It often takes a few months for these important issues of incompatibility to surface.
Sometimes it’s possible to negotiate them carefully, and sometimes there is no way to reach a mutually acceptable compromise.
Many men avoid these difficult conversations when everything else is going well and they’re having a great time with you, and so the serious nature of your differences only comes up when you start asking where the relationship is going.
Issues of incompatibility often blindside you when a man only talks about his feelings, meaning he will tell you how much he feels in love with you, but never expresses any type of plan for a future together.
Any man can date you for two to three months, but it’s important to remember that not every man is up for the rigors of lasting love.
He may have unrealistic expectations of what love is and how to achieve it.
He may be a charming “Peter Pan” who likes living in the moment and asks you not to spoil it because he doesn’t want to feel pressured, or he could be a wounded “Fisher King”, unwilling and uninterested in serving anyone’s needs but his own.
Or he may be a perfectly good man. Incompatibility is a real thing that happens to the best of us.
We go into relationships with rose-colored glasses on, and that’s okay. A man who is capable of lasting love is willing to negotiate with you and make adjustments. A mature man knows the honeymoon phase is just a phase, and he welcomes the adventure of building a life with you.
See more: 8 Best Tips to a Successful Long Distance Relationship. You Can Make It Work!
The strongest of relationships are often built on three things: love, trust and respect. If you think about it, it’s actually a simple formula and anyone who is willing enough to abide by their “unwritten rules” is on their way to finding a real, unconditional and genuine connection that can last a lifetime.
However, long distance relationships are a totally different story. The same love advice that you often read about is just not enough to manage its overlapping and more complex set up. This is because aside from the physical distance that couples have to deal with, the emotional and mental stress that anyone who is so far away from that person who make their world whole is just too much – especially if it’s their first time to be in love.
If you’re one of the poor souls who are slowly failing the challenges of being in a long distance relationship, don’t give up yet. Let this article help you find your way back to a happier and more optimistic future with the person you love.
Here are some inspiring tips for a successful long distance relationship:
1. Remember that you’re not the only one suffering.
You’re both on the same boat and you’re sharing the same longing and loneliness together but apart. You have to realize that you’re not the only person who is trying their best to make the relationship work. You may have different ways of coping and dealing with that heavy feeling of being away from each other, but both of you just want the same thing: to finally make it through it all, stronger and happier.
2. Trust in the promises you both made to each other.
It takes a tremendous amount of trust and courage to accept that trying to make an LDR work is actually worth it. The long phone calls, the occasional fights because of an unanswered text message, the fear of losing them to someone new – these can weaken even the strongest bonds but whenever these thoughts come knocking on your door, just close your eyes and remember the promises of better days and a happier future.
3. Accept that being away from each other is going to be different.
Like what was mentioned earlier, being in a long distance relationship can often subject couples to strange and unfamiliar circumstances and that’s where the worst starts – especially if one or both of you lack the experience and maturity to handle a serious commitment.
An LDR reveals the worst and the best in couples and the first step that one should take is this: rewrite your rule book and be open to a new definition of a long-lasting relationship.
4. Learn how to express how you feel – even without words.
Communication and the failure to express how someone feels about something is one of the hardest in an LDR. Sometimes, it’s not just about talking, texting or choosing the right words. It’s more about the manner, the sincerity and the willingness to actually make it work.
During the worst times, words won’t be enough but actions will and can make a difference.
5. Be in each other’s everyday life – but observe limits.
It’s good to be a part of your partner’s life even if you’re thousands of miles away but you have to realize that sometimes, it can create an unnecessary pressure and a heavy obligation. Do you really have to know what they had for breakfast, lunch and dinner? Is it really necessary to tell you every detail of his night out with his friends? Do you actually have to know what she wore for that party the other day?
Be supportive, stay connected but allow both of you freedom, space and time to be free and independent.
6. Other people’s experiences won’t be the same as yours.
Asking your friends about their own experiences of LDR can be enlightening but it doesn’t mean that you have to follow their advice and take the same steps that they did. Remember that everyone has fought and won different battles and although their stories can be inspiring, your own fight will be a totally different story.
That’s why it’s important to make decisions and take every step of your LDR journey according to your own terms, your own experiences and your own judgement.
7. Never ever let paranoia make the decisions for you.
It’s inevitable to overthink and feel paranoid but don’t stay there too long. Snap out of it and never let these negativities ruin your inner peace. More importantly, don’t make decisions based on assumptions and unproven generalizations.
Creating realities inside your head, especially false realities that do more harm than good, is just too unfair to your partner.
8. You both have every right to have fun, even not with each other’s company.
Don’t deprive yourself of fun and enjoyment just because you’re in a long distance relationship. It’s not wrong to create the best and most unforgettable moments of your life without your significant other. If he truly loves you, he’d be happy to see you happy. It’s that simple.
Be kind to yourself and live your life to the fullest without feeling guilty about it.
See also: DO NOT GET MARRIED Unless You Ask Your Partner These 11 Questions!
Some good relationship advice before considering marriage is to take the time to ask questions that plumb the inner depths of your partner’s personality and psychology. Here are eleven questions you can ask to his or her suitability for a marriage partner:
1 – Why do you love me? – This is a questions that lovers have asked each other from the beginning of time, but it does provide real information about their psychological and social needs in a mate. If the focus seems to be on what you have or what you can provide materially in the marriage, you might need to look elsewhere for an authentic commitment.
2 – What are you goals and are you willing to adjust them for the relationship? – This question can reveal what priority the relationship has in the overall life plan. If the individual is more to achieve life goals and expects you to do all the adjusting, it could be an unfavorable sign.
3 – Do you know how to compromise? – Compromise is the essence of a good marriage. A person who shows an inclination to feel “it’s my way or the highway” is not a good candidate for the negotiations and compromises that marriage requires.
4 – What’s your relationship with your family? – A bad relationship with family can indicate issues that could affect the marriage. Similarly, someone is too close to his or her family may be so enmeshed that the marriage may not come first. Relationship counseling can help to resolve these issues.
5 – Why do you want to spend your life’s journey with me? – This answer can tell you about the expectations of your partner and whether relationship therapy might be needed to create healthier expectations about your role in the marriage.
6 – Can you keep the romance alive? – Someone who understands the value of keeping romance alive will actively work to invigorate the relationship over time.
7 – Can’t you work through the rough patches. Someone who dislikes conflict or who cannot work out differences will make a poor marriage partner.
8 – What are your parenting skills? – If you intend to have children, the previous family experiences of your partner can have a significant effect on his or her ability to parent.
9 – Can you commit to grow with me instead of away from me? – This answer can tell you whether the person understands the nature of close relationships and the constant maintenance they require.
10 – Will you continue to grow in the relationship? – A person that continues to have hobbies and interests that are separate from the marriage will make a more interesting and independent partner.
11 – If My Life Is Cut Short, Will You Honor My Memory Forever? – An individual that will continue to hold that relationship in memory as a valuable experience, rather than close the book on it, is likely to make the most of the time you have together.
If Your Guy Ever Does These 4 Things, DON’T MARRY HIM!
The concept that a loving relationship between partners should be all about love and respect should never be forgotten. There are an abundance of truly healthy relationships where both partners communicate, show respect and affection, and work hard to keep the relationship in good-standing.
Unfortunately, there are also an abundance of relationships that look nothing like the aforementioned relationship. Even more distressing is that many of these destructive relationships evolved despite early signs of dysfunction. For women, these signs should be deal breakers that scream “Don’t Marry Him!”.
The four biggest deal breaker should be:
1. Temper and Violence – Violence doesn’t have to become physical to set off alarms. If a man is prone to excessive verbal outbursts and physical actions such as destroying property, it might be nothing more than a matter of time before that violence is turned towards his partner in the form of physical abuse. Worse of all, temper and violence tend to escalate and can’t be easily fixed without counseling.
2. Infidelity – “Once a cheater, always a cheater”. Once a person has shown the willingness to cross the line, that willingness will always exist. If your man has a history of infidelity in prior relationships or cheats early within the existing one, the necessary love and respect are not present and it is only going to get worse. Relationships can only grow if people take them one at a time.
3. Addiction – Drug abuse, alcoholism, sex addiction and compulsive gambling are all highly destructive behavioral problems that tend to take down anything in its path. Far too many women feel compelled to “save” the addict from himself. The reality is that most addicts need intensive counseling and support just to gain and ounce of abstinence and, women are ill-prepared to “fix” a sick addict.
4. Possessive Behavior – If a man exhibits signs of extreme jealousy and ownership over his partner, he is most likely suffering from issues of low self-esteem and little confidence. A mentally healthy man understands a woman’s need for social interaction and won’t get in the way. Unfortunately, possessive behavior often leads to rage and violence.
If your partner exhibits any of these signs, your best option is to move on and find the healthy relationship you deserve. Don’t fall victim to your need to nurture and rescue a damaged man. The right man will be the one who has already focused on his issues to become the man you really want and need.