Dad Delivers The 10 Rules For Dating His Daughter. #4 Is Amazing.
This dad wrote a list of ten rules for someone who wants to date his daughter. Maybe he should let his daughter decide what she wants in her life…but this is still worth reading.
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, s.e.x without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
See also: This Bartender Never Expected The Woman To Order This. But Her Reply Is Genius.
A woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and its today.”
The bartender says “Well, since its your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says “I would like to buy you a drink too.”
The old woman says “Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one too.”
The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water.”
“Commin’ right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
See also: Student Says He’s Too Smart For First Grade. This Is The Principal’s Response.
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.”
The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Principal: “6 x 6?”
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher “I see no reason Johnny can’t go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.”
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.
Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”
Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”
The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”
See also: Respect Your Parents In Their Old Age
An 80-year old man and his 45-year son were sitting in their living room when suddenly a crow appeared on the window. The father asked his son what was that on the window and the son replied that it was a crow.
After a couple of minutes, the Father asked his son again what was that and the son gave the same answer. After some time, the old man again asked the same question for the 3rd time. At this time, with some irritation in his voice, the son answered that it was a crow.
A little after, the old father again asked the same question for the 4th time.
Annoyed and irritated, the son started shouting to his father why he keeps asking him the same question for so many times, even though he told him that it is a crow.
So, his father went to his room and returned back with an old tattered dairy which he kept since his son was born. He opened a page and asked his son to read that page.
The following words when written on the page:
“Today my little son aged three was sitting with me on the sofa, when a crow was sitting on the window. My Son asked me 23 times what it was, and I replied to him all 23 times that it was a Crow. I hugged him lovingly each time he asked me the same question again and again for 23 times. I did not at all feel irritated I rather felt affection for my innocent child”.
The father further explained that he had felt no irritation in replaying the same question all 23 times unlike his son who felt irritated and annoyed after answering the same question for 4 times.
This story teaches us that we should be patient to our old parents. We should not repulse them or look at them as a burden. Always speak to them to a gracious word, be obedient, humble, kind, and cool to them.
Our parents cared for us ever since we were born, always showing their selfless love on us. So, we should make them happy for the rest of their life!
No matter how they behave, you should say good and kind words to your parents. Remember that!
See also: This Woman Asked The Pilot For A Favor But Everyone Was Shocked When He Did This
A woman was ﬂying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The ﬂight attendant explained that there would he a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in so minutes…
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind…
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire ﬂight… He could also tell she had ﬂown this very flight before because the pilot approached her. and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
The blind lady said, ‘No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.”
All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses!
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
See more: Husband Admits To Sleeping With Wife’s SISTER. But Her Response Is The Best Thing I’ve Ever Read
Break up’s are always nasty, and divorce is even worse! I mean they can get nasty, just as this one did, when this Ex Husband left his wife for HER SISTER! He wrote the most awful letter – which made me so mad, I felt SO sorry for his wife…until I read her response. You must read these letters! And you must read them to the very end!
I’m writing this letter to you to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell…Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.”
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!”
But, he was completely unaware of the fact that she had a surprise for him. The letter she wrote sums it up:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work.
I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1rst thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone…Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.”
It seems like this woman got the best revenge on her cheating spouse, doesn’t it?
Wife Writes A Seriously Angry Letter To The ‘Other’ Woman
This wife found evidence from the “other woman” her husband was cheating with and she writes her a vicious online letter. You might think it’s crazy, but she probably knows that her intended reader will find it for sure.
What do you think? Is she justified in her response or should she take the high road and just move on?
For leaving bite marks all over my husbands chest last night.
No, really, Thank You! You have no idea what a nightmare you have just saved me and my kids from.
To reward you for your services I am offering you my husband for keeps. Should you accept your prize please note the following rules.
1. You are going to have to financially support him. I say this because we have 2 children together (but you knew that) which means that he will have to give up a sizeable chunk of his pay to support them in the manner they deserve. Please keep in mind that since he has kept me a stay at home Mom for the better part of the last 11 years he will also be paying me alimony. So forget about his money honey cause it’s mine!
2. You will have to provide him with new attire. You see after he stepped from our (now mine) shower this morning dripping wet and naked is when I discovered your little “love bites”. It just so happened that at that EXACT moment a giant black hole appeared in my home and devoured almost all of his clothing. Therefore he will come to you almost naked (lucky you). The bright side is that you can dress him any way you want. Go nuts and buy him a leash and some vinyl attire or a cute little dress while your at it.
3. You will have to give him up every other weekend. This time will be set aside for his visits with his children. Since he openly admitted (in front of several people) that you are just “some dumb drunk b***h” that he met at a “tweakers” house you will be banned from these visits for fear of my children’s safety. Just so you know, that is also going to be the reason to have his visits limited (if not supervised). After all WTF was HE doing at a “tweakers” house in the first place?
4. You will not be having a proper s3x life. Yes, I know that you didn’t scr3w him last night. Since his back injury 4 years ago his “equipment” hasn’t worked right. Too bad for you because before that it was THE BEST S3X EVER and we scr3wed all the time! However, now he’ll most likely disappoint you with his half hard member that only works with a little blue pill. Please don’t let that fool you. The little blue pill means that he comes within 2 minutes….hardly enough time for you and 98% of the time he will just be too embarrassed to even try. Stock up on your batteries and/or multiple s3x partners! By the way, No it CANNOT be fixed. It’s nerve damage sweetie, deal with it!
5. You will NOT return him to me. I will NOT have him. He messed up when he touched you! I was a good wife to him and he had a good thing going on here. Don’t be surprised if you don’t live up to me because you won’t and he will make you miserable for it!
6. He will blame you for ALL of this. He told me, with tears in his eyes, that you giggled to him “I hope your wife sees that”. I don’t know if you said it or not. I don’t really care. However, just in case you did, your wish came true. I did see it, and he’s pissed. He’s so mad that you made that comment that when I punched him in the eye after he apologized to me! Yes, I know violence is wrong and to be honest I’ve never hit anyone before. However, I am not sorry that I did and if I could have that moment back I would have simply aimed lower!
7. This one isn’t really a rule, more like a friendly warning. I will make sure to take up as much of his time with the most petty crap I can find to spite you. I will make it my hobby to hurt him and you the same amount my kids are hurting right now. Please be aware that he will take it, he will deal with it for years with a smile. I was with him for 12 years, I know him better. Yes, I do feel completely justified in my actions. Just in case you were wondering.
So Thank you, Jennifer the dumb drunk b***h from the tweakers house who left bite marks on my husband chest last night, for showing me that 11 years and 2 children were no match for you! I applaud you on a man well won. HE’S ALL YOURS!